Your moderator is Barney Paulsen, an unbiased Englishman, creative director for an undisclosed game company.
The candidates debating tonight will be Warhammer and Warcraft. At stake is the #1 spot on the MMORPG charts. Warhammer is the upstart young game from an established gaming empire. Warcraft is the venerable incumbent.
Warhammer Online: The Age of Reckoning, was recently released in September of 2008, and is considered the darling of the MMORPG community right now. World of Warcraft has been around for, like, forever.
Paulsen: “Warcraft, the first question is for you.”
Warcraft: “Thank you, Barney. We’re pleased to be here.”
Paulsen: “Whatever. Warcraft, please detail the changes you have made to each of the classes over the years. The level of detail required is a talent by talent discussion, from Beta through the the upcoming 3.0, for every class.”
Warcraft: “Thank you. I’d love to take the opportunity to talk about that. First, however, may I ask if you mean the 3.0 we have on the PTR currently, or what we envision for the talent at release?”
Paulsen: “It’s not a difficult question. Are you prepared to answer the question?”
Warcraft: “Of course, delighted to. Let’s start with the Druid Class and their talent Mark of the Wild. Our original vision-”
Paulsen: “Time’s up. Really. Very disappointing. How did you manage to get your software out the door?”
Warcraft: “Uh, we have an extensive distributorship based on our previous-”
Paulsen: (Rolling eyes.) “Really, you do? Whatever. Have you heard of “Madden NFL?” Times up. Warhammer, the next question is for you.”
Warhammer: “Uh, Barney, dude, I was told I wasn’t going to be answering any-”
Paulsen: “Warhammer, dude, - WAAAAAGH!”
Paulsen: (Chuckling.) “Warhammer, dude. Great game by the way. Anyway, let’s get on with this debate. Your first question-”
Paulsen: “WAAAAAGH! (Coughs with a guilty, yet amused look.) Seriously now. Warhammer, what… is your name?”
Warhammer: (Looking around.) “Name? Uh, Barney, Mr. Paulsen-”
Paulsen: “What will people know you by when they see your name on boxes in every Best Buy, Egghead, GameStop, Walmart, Kmart, and Target?”
Warhammer: (Looking relieved.) “Warhammer Online: The Age of Reckoning. … WAAAAAAAGH!”
(Audience laughing and applauding. In the background you hear fifth graders singing, “Warhammer Rocks. Warhammer comes in a box. Warhammer is the rockzors. Warhammer rules the boxzors.” Their voices like angels heralding the new messiah.)
Paulsen: “Thank you, dude. Warcraft, next question.”
Warcraft: “Of course.”
Paulsen: “Your Warlock class. Now we all know it’s overpowered. In fact, I really, really hate going against them in Alterac Valley. I go in there, assaulting a tower, and you’ve got a ‘Lock going crazy on 10 of us. Dots and dots and that damn Felguard. I got to High Warlord and you stop me with a freakin’ Warlock. Is it true your mother plays a Warlock and that this is the real reason the Warlock class is so overpowered?”
Warcraft: “‘My mother? Let me tell you about my mother.’”
Paulsen: “Bladerunner references? What are you, like 40? Are you like a funny man now? A comedian? More like a comide-can’t. Just answer the question.”
Warcraft: “My mother plays, but not a Warlock.”
Paulsen: “Are you stupid? That’s not what I asked.”
Warcraft: “Warlocks have been carefully playtested in many situations in the game. We feel they are balanced when compared to the other-”
Paulsen: “Whatever. Times up.”
Paulsen: “Warhammer, dude. You doing okay over there?”
Warhammer: “Great. Thanks for asking.”
Paulsen: “Certainly. Warhammer, what… is your favourite colour?”
Warhammer: “We like black. Our market surveys indicated it would be a big hit with the Goths and the Emos.”
Paulsen: “No doubt. I just love what you guys did with the looks of the Magus.”
Warcraft: “Uh, we’ve got barbershops in-”
Paulsen: “Yeah, so you can give your humans that sissy-boy elf look? Dude, your time’s up. Your time’s over. Thank you Warhammer. We love your game. We love you. And remember, folks, my 1-40 Leveling Guide for Warhammer is available online at Goldbanners.com.”
(Audience applause. The children are still singing. Are they real?)
Who picks these moderators by the way???
P.S. I love both games. I like what both companies have created. I don’t agree with everything each has done, but I’m not picking on them for reals. It’s just the absurdity of real life that prompted my send up here.